Changing my perspective - Week 3

Has the pain of your past ever made it hard for you to believe God’s promises and and plans for your future? What do you sense He wants to change in your perspective? 

The pain of my past continues to make it hard for me to believe in God's promises and plans for my future. I haven't really dated since my ex left me and my daughter over 2.5 years ago.  My ex is still with the girl that he left us for and sometimes the pain of the lies he's told me in the past creep up out of no where and grab me. After that happens I start to doubt God's plan for me and my daughter. I think: how can God let him and her be together and happy (even though I don't know if that's true) and me and my daughter are alone?

My daughter continues to ask when we will get a new daddy and I always tell her to pray and trust in God. After a couple months of this when I told her to pray to God about it she responded "I don't think He's listening." That response took my breath away when I realized how much pain she was in and how bad she wanted us to have a dad. Trust me, I would love to meet someone and get married and have a partner in life who would be a great dad. However, I also know how lucky I am to have a great kid that I love more than anything. I told her that God has a plan for us and things happen when He wants them to and not when we think they should happen. But inside I started questioning God's plan for us and wondering why I haven't met someone and what's wrong with me. It seems to be a cycle for me the past couple of years. I feel strong and confident in His plan for me and my daughter and like everything will be okay and then I start to question everything.

I also bring the guilt and pain from my past in the fact that I had my daughter out of wedlock with my ex. I feel guilty for my sins and sometimes I feel that the reason I'm alone and that I went through the pain of my ex cheating on me and cancer is that I deserve it because of my past sins. It is really hard for me to let go of the guilt and shame of the past. When I first got pregnant at 23 years old a lot of people I thought were  my friends stopped talking about me and there were a lot of other people who said a lot of hurtful and judgmental things about me. I still carry those hurtful words with me. Also, when my ex was cheating on me he said a lot of hurtful things to me that made me feel awful about myself. It's hard to let go of the past hurts and believe and trust that God loves me and that He has a plan for my life. I find it harder to forgive myself then it is to forgive others...
 
I feel that God wants to change my perspective in making me more patient and trusting of His plan. I haven't always been the most patient person and this has been a major lesson to me that I just need to sit back and trust in Him. It's also hard for me to trust people in general and again through this entire experience I am learning to fully trust in God's plan for me. It's hard for me to let go of control, but through this process I'm slowly learning to let go of my need for controlling my life and letting it up to God. It's a hard process, but I'm finally ready to stop looking in the past and to only look ahead.