Wednesday, October 30, 2013

Changing my perspective - Week 3

Has the pain of your past ever made it hard for you to believe God’s promises and and plans for your future? What do you sense He wants to change in your perspective? 

The pain of my past continues to make it hard for me to believe in God's promises and plans for my future. I haven't really dated since my ex left me and my daughter over 2.5 years ago.  My ex is still with the girl that he left us for and sometimes the pain of the lies he's told me in the past creep up out of no where and grab me. After that happens I start to doubt God's plan for me and my daughter. I think: how can God let him and her be together and happy (even though I don't know if that's true) and me and my daughter are alone?

My daughter continues to ask when we will get a new daddy and I always tell her to pray and trust in God. After a couple months of this when I told her to pray to God about it she responded "I don't think He's listening." That response took my breath away when I realized how much pain she was in and how bad she wanted us to have a dad. Trust me, I would love to meet someone and get married and have a partner in life who would be a great dad. However, I also know how lucky I am to have a great kid that I love more than anything. I told her that God has a plan for us and things happen when He wants them to and not when we think they should happen. But inside I started questioning God's plan for us and wondering why I haven't met someone and what's wrong with me. It seems to be a cycle for me the past couple of years. I feel strong and confident in His plan for me and my daughter and like everything will be okay and then I start to question everything.

I also bring the guilt and pain from my past in the fact that I had my daughter out of wedlock with my ex. I feel guilty for my sins and sometimes I feel that the reason I'm alone and that I went through the pain of my ex cheating on me and cancer is that I deserve it because of my past sins. It is really hard for me to let go of the guilt and shame of the past. When I first got pregnant at 23 years old a lot of people I thought were  my friends stopped talking about me and there were a lot of other people who said a lot of hurtful and judgmental things about me. I still carry those hurtful words with me. Also, when my ex was cheating on me he said a lot of hurtful things to me that made me feel awful about myself. It's hard to let go of the past hurts and believe and trust that God loves me and that He has a plan for my life. I find it harder to forgive myself then it is to forgive others...
 
I feel that God wants to change my perspective in making me more patient and trusting of His plan. I haven't always been the most patient person and this has been a major lesson to me that I just need to sit back and trust in Him. It's also hard for me to trust people in general and again through this entire experience I am learning to fully trust in God's plan for me. It's hard for me to let go of control, but through this process I'm slowly learning to let go of my need for controlling my life and letting it up to God. It's a hard process, but I'm finally ready to stop looking in the past and to only look ahead.

7 comments:

  1. Ashleigh, I wish I could come hug you right now. I feel your pain, and that of your daughter. Being a single parent is a tough road to walk! May God continue to meet you where you are, and may you and your daughter continue to walk with Him where He is leading. {{hugs}}

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    1. Thank you so much Bronda. I know that God will use this experience to draw me closer to Him! I'm excited to go through this journey with you.

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  2. Just loving on you and praying you thru dear sister! I can SEE you through my own sorrows and grief as a suicide widow..as a rape victim and lord knows what else. My heart hurts for you yet wants you to KNOW this firmly...that Jesus Christ will not ever leave you abandoned nor rejected! His timing and purpose for you & your daughter is PERFECT. You are a daughter of the KING! Valuable, priceless, beautiful from brokenness and a GEM. Human beings are a stiff necked hurtful people are we not? The only way to refill is to empty out...reclaim your value in Christ alone! Im going to pray that some good Jesus mentors come your way..and I'll be praying you through each moment! I leave my Life scripture with you...Isaiah 61:1-3...you go outside and look at those trees...the colours & LEAN not on your understanding. You WILL grow strong like a oak....in sweet time & repurposing. You CAN do this sister!! Much Love.....Mary

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    1. I'm so sorry that you have gone through your own sorrows stillybee. Life can definitely be painful, but it's wonderful to know we can turn to Christ and He can take away our pain and renew us. I will definitely add that verse to my collection of verses to turn to when I'm going through my doubts! Keep the faith! Love, Ashleigh

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  3. Dear one thank you for sharing your heart. Please know that your aren't being paid back for previous sins and also know that the sin of a baby out of wedlock is no worse than any other sin, lying, cheating, etc.. There is only one unforgivable sin and that is not knowing Christ. God will send you someone in His time - be patient and trust in His perfect plan. His plan is perfect, His timing is perfect and no matter what He loves you. You can do NOTHING to lose that. I wish I were close so I could wrap my arms around you. I'm not but I'm sending virtual hugs. ((((((HUGS))))). Debbie W. (OBS Facebook Group Leader)

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    1. Thank you for the virtual hugs Debbie! That means a lot. I am slowly learning that I'm not being paid back. It's hard to let go of looking at the past and move on to looking forward. I'm excited to go through this OBS journey with you!

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  4. Ashleigh thank you for sharing. I can feel your huge heart in the words you have written. I too had my first daughter out of wedlock over 25 years ago. I carried the guilt and judgement of people around with me for years. I know the pain and can relate to an ex appearing to be happy. Please know that you are a precious daughter of the King of Kings. Lean into Him by reading His words and allowing them to fill you. He will bless you in His time. Love your precious daughter and let her know that her prayers are being heard and that God loves her so much. I am praying for you both!
    Denise C. OBS Facebook Small Group Leader

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